My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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