At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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