Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
