i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
