i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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