Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
