just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
