She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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