Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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