I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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