I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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