it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
