I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
