She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
