i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
