The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
