I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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