I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
God, you're like boner-b-gone
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
