i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
