i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
