dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
