Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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