Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
