i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
