so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
