Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i drank out of a bidet.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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