I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
