Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You ruined the universe
Randomize
