On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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