I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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