So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
