Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
