The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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