You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
