...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
