What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
