the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
