he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
