had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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