She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
