areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
