Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My dick has a subreddit
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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