hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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