Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
