so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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