Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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