like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
