Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We just shotgunned beers for America
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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