One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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