Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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